Making the Most of Anger

Subject: Making the Most of Anger Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:02 am

I recently wrote a rather long course on managing anger and Shelagh asked that I share some of it here. Being angry is something we all do at some time and even has certain benefits, but over the long term being angry a lot can be harmful to us as individuals and can also damage relationships. You do not have to read all this information; the headers will point you to what is within the post. I put it here just as a resource, and so if you can use something to help you out in a trying time, as a way to better manage your anger, share some coping methods with a spouse or child or colleague, then this thread will serve its intended purpose.

This information is not all inclusive, but if it challenges your thinking or you want further exploration or you want feedback, why not make a post? Let's start a dialogue if you are interested, and see where it takes us.

flower

_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:16 am

Working on Anger

All of us have experienced anger in some way. We can easily think of an incident (real or perceived) that provokes strong feelings in us. Someone who is rude to us, cuts us off in traffic, a child or partner who does not appreciate us, a new tax or a reminder of an old wrong can all provoke feelings of anger.

What if we could manage our anger like we do so many other things in our life? Would a better understanding of things that make us angry allow us to be more open to trying out some new coping tools?

The information here is presented for the personal use of people who utilize this forum. It is adapted from a course that I wrote on managing anger, and is protected by copywrite.

The information here can help you to manage your own anger effectively, to recognize when anger is the behavior that you are faced with even if it is masked as something else, and also how to recognize and respond to or diffuse anger in your work, family and social lives. We will consider ways to change negative thinking, and help develop healthier behaviors and a more fulfilling life.

· Anger is a basic emotional response, just as
fear, sadness, happiness or disgust are also basic emotional responses.

· Anger is a part of the more primitive fight or flight response that members of the animal kingdom – like you and I – can call upon when we feel threatened.

· Anger is not the same as aggression. Anger is an emotion, and we can choose to react to it with aggression or we can put a constructive plan into action instead.

· Anger is recognized physically by your body. An increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, flushed face and tense muscles are all results of anger. In addition, when we are angry, we may lean in toward whomever/whatever we are angry with. Once we are in the anger mode, we may also decide to stand and fight (physically or verbally) or to leave the immediate area.

The Costs of Anger

You do not have to be, nor consult, a psychologist to recognize anger when you see it. Most of our beliefs about anger develop when we are very young. Think about your life growing up for a moment. How did your family – in particular your grandparents and parents – show their feelings to one another? What did they say or show when they were angry? How did what you see influence the way you get angry?

For some people, they will display anger in the same way that their family members do. Others will try to behave just the opposite when they make a commitment to do things better than their family did. A frequent example would be a physically abused child who grows up and resolves never to hit their own child. We have all grown up in families – whether they are our own family, a foster family, living with relatives or within a foster system, who taught us about conflict resolution and anger.

Selena’s mother expressed her angry directly; she threw things like dishes or pots and pans. She also threw her children around the house.

Selena’s father never expressed his anger directly. He would become sarcastic, then unresponsive, and disappear into the garage to work on his hobbies for the entire weekend. Selena grew up ‘walking on eggshells’, never knowing when her mother would fly into a rage, or when her father would retreat and become emotionally unavailable.

Selena swore that she would never behave like her parents, but she has no idea how to respond to situations in her life. Her avoidance of normal, healthy anger and conflict can actually create unhealthy anger which will reinforce her own avoidance and actually perpetuates a cycle of poor anger management.

A helpful gauge for how our families handle anger is:

· The emotional or physically violent expression of anger that feels “too hot”
· The distancing and abandoning expression that feels “too cold”
· The judgmental, righteous or blaming anger that is “too hard”
· Or the result of some of the above, with few limits or boundaries, few guidelines or little accountability for behavior which is “too soft”

By the time that they reach school age, many children have learned that anger is not acceptable. They have observed, been punished, shamed, or had love and affection withheld for expressing their own anger. The cost to those children for expressing their anger can be feeling abandoned, unloved and rejected.

In the workplace, we understand that expressing our own anger can lead to reprimands, being fired or even passed over for promotion. But what if we could learn how to turn our anger into something positive, and become stronger at work because of it? Could we become more productive, more motivated, even more forgiving?

As you explore the list below, think about the myths that you have may have learned about anger. Are you surprised that some of these statements are myths? How do they impact the way you express anger today?

· If I share my opinion, it will start an argument.
· Anger is about winning or losing.
· If I get angry, I will be abandoned.
· Anger = violence.
· Avoid anger and conflict if you want good relationships.
· The winner is usually the biggest or loudest.
· If I get angry, I am a bad person.
· If you do things my way, I don’t get angry.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:24 am

The Benefits of Anger

Anger is a basic emotion. We cannot avoid it and although there is no consistent evidence about whether suppressing it can be a problem, we know that the way we choose to express anger can create problems. Have you ever considered the potential to benefit from anger in the way that we do other emotions, such as happiness?

Anger, when expressed in a healthy and positive way, can get you what you need or desire. Think of a hungry seven pound baby, screaming at the top of its lungs. The response that the baby gets is positive when the 150 pound adult comes into the room, picks him up, cuddles him and offers nourishment. It does not take the baby long to recognize that when he is hungry, screaming means that he will eat. Does this mean that expressing anger can change someone else’s behavior?

It certainly did in this case, where an otherwise occupied parent now attends to the infant. In most cases though, our expressions of anger do not bring about change in others, even when we keep trying. Think of working with an older child, or a colleague. They do something wrong like tell a terrible lie. You get angry, and in your own response yell at them never to do that again, that lying is wrong and they are stupid to think
that you would not find out. Does that reaction stop the lying behavior?

One harmful aspect of anger is that although we may believe that we have been offended and must act on that injustice, our responses can often be dangerous. The term “going postal” came into usage following incidents in the 1980’s when a disgruntled postal worker went on a deadly rampage targeted at his manager and co-workers. This is the first of several incidents where the perpetrator was said to have “gone postal”. The
term “school shooting” is another common term that reflects our recognition and popularization of horrible acts of anger and cruelty. The incidents have been parodied on many television shows, in cartoons, comics and the media, to the extent where “going postal” or “school shooting” made a transition from horrible tragedy to popular joke.

The path that we choose to take to deal with our anger, if we take the time for purposeful and constructive action can actually be a positive one. The expression of anger (which, by the way, does not have to even sound angry) has also resulted in groups like MADD (Mother’s Against Drunk Drivers), which was founded by a grieving and angry parent. In
ways that you may relate more closely too, expressing our anger constructively (remember that old adage that you attract more flies with honey than vinegar) means we can solve problems and get things done that may not happen otherwise.

Expressing our feelings as adults does not change other individual’s behavior. If we tell our partner, spouse or child our feelings about their drinking, laziness or lack of responsibility, they do not change for us. If you are expressing your feelings because you think that you can change their behavior, you set yourself up for disappointment (and maybe even more anger). Expressing your feelings is important for you as an individual, lets others know what you are doing, and is a way that you can also outline new consequences to the partner, spouse or child. The consequences may
be effective at spurring the behavior changes that you want to see.

Sometimes expressing your own anger well is its own reward. You are able to give yourself some satisfaction – perhaps even a “whew” moment afterward, where you can tell yourself that now they know how you feel. That makes you a stronger person, gets the anger out of your body and
in to the air, where the listener can take or leave it, but you have exercised your option to express yourself.

There is no convincing evidence that suppressed anger is harmful when we feel in control of the situation and when we assess the anger as a grievance that can be constructively corrected. If the source of your anger cannot be corrected by expressing anger, then don’t. Anger
alone does not accumulate; but revenge can fester unless you reconcile your feelings of injustice. When it is necessary to express your anger, for example when you are standing up for your rights, do so assertively, but not violently.

If you are suppressing anger and feel you have no control, that suppression leads to the same physiological reactions that anger can (increased heart rate, blood pressure, face flushing and muscle tension), but continually venting anger can also be unhealthy, leading to physical and emotional problems. If the situation is not one that you have control over, ask yourself what the source of your anger is, whether it is really your anger or someone else’s, and how you can either get control or resolve your anger in some other – beneficial – way.

It is a myth, as we discovered earlier, to think that if you do not “vent” your anger you have given into someone, become a coward or are a failure in some way. Constructively resolving anger takes strength, self discipline and demonstrates that you are responsible for your actions. It also takes courage.

If we never give ourselves permission to express our opinions, we do not build trust with others. Expressing our opinions respectfully and letting people know when we are angry is a way to build trust. Conflict is a normal part of life, and there are healthy, productive and even kind ways to work through conflict.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Skills for Success Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:27 am

Skills for Success

Respecting that everyone is entitled to their feelings, it is important to recognize that if someone is angry we do not have to change who we are or the things that we do just because they want us to.

Acknowledge that your feelings do not have to be fixed. You are not broken and neither are your feelings. Feelings come in layers, like an onion. Although you might remove the outside layer, there are inner layers. The fact that you are angry at your boss today, which reminds you about when you were angry at him for the same thing last month does not mean that the way you dealt with your anger last month wasn’t effective. You cannot heal anger, or pain, grief, guilt or those dark emotions. Emotions are there to be felt, but the nature of emotions is that they come back. Our ability to respond to those emotions in a healthy manner is a result of the work that we do to get through an emotional episode. Humans are complex beings, which makes us interesting, rich and, yes, complicated. We have
emotions, and the way we process those emotions helps us to engage in
fulfilling lives.

When you feel angry over something and you want to do something about it, you are receiving a call to action. That call to action may come from an immediate solution that you see, or a desire to see things remedied. This anger is healthy, constructive, and does not feel the same as dark anger. If you are angry, becoming constructive about it means that you are going to change the outcome rather than try to motivate someone else to do it.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Buttons and Triggers and Distorted Thinking Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:42 am

The Causes of Anger: Buttons and Triggers

There are generally two categories of instigators when we refer to unhealthy anger, and they are hot buttons and triggers.

· Hot buttons are things which are true about ourselves that we may feel ashamed of or try to pretend they do not exist.

· Triggers are experiences that can remind us or have us relive grief or traumas from the past.

Personal Hot Buttons

Do you know things about you that are true but you would prefer to avoid? When people or situations make comments about things that we are ashamed of or that we try to deny, we say that they are “pushing our buttons”.

· “When did you become a race car driver?” (criticizing our driving)
· “Are you sure you should be eating that?” (criticizing our diet)
· “You don’t belong here.” (insulting our membership in a group or workplace)
· “Why don’t you learn to speak the language?” (insulting our command of the local language)

Depending on how well we have accepted our own foibles, and how we respond to people’s comments, you may have more or less hot buttons at different times of your life. A lazy Saturday afternoon that is interrupted by someone saying “you never do anything around the house” can push a lazy button, and a guilt button. Should I be cleaning that bathroom right now? I knew I should have vacuumed before I sat down!

Feeling bad about our bodies is a common hot button. “I am too fat/skinny/pale/dark/ugly” and a comment from someone else can set us off.

Triggers

Have you ever had an experience that reminded you so powerfully of something else that you could remember everything about the original event? When people have survived a traumatic event, a small thing
even years later can bring a memory flooding back. These triggers can be a
smell, sound, emotion, gesture, even a single word.

If you ask someone what they had for lunch last Tuesday, they may struggle to remember. In North America, asking someone what they were doing on 9/11 brings a barrage of memories, just as the assassination of John F. Kennedy did for the generation before. On a more pleasant note, if you hear the first line of a poem that you had to memorize in school, following which you find yourself reciting the entire verse, you have
just responded to a trigger.

Triggers are a powerful reminder when it comes to anger. A trigger can bring a memory of an argument or conflict flooding back, and all the physical effects such as an increase in your heart rate, flushed face or tense muscles also recur. Even if you are not in the midst of the conflict, but observe it, the trigger can stimulate your memory.

Different people have different triggers. When you understand what your own triggers are, you can plan ways to deal with them in a healthy way. This could include asking for help, good preparation and avoiding some triggers completely. Using the chart below, identify some of your own triggers.

If you notice: An unhealthy response is to:

Wet towel on the bed or floor Yell at my kids or spouse.
Water dripping from the eaves Feel helpless.
Someone you do not know touches you. Strike out and hit them.
The basement smells damp. Blame someone else.
My teenager rolls her eyes at me. I yell at my teen.
Holidays when family comes over. Depressed and unable to
prepare, cope or enjoy the events.

Being aware of your triggers and how you behave when they occur are important steps in learning healthier behaviors. The next steps include:

· Feeling the feelings without having to react to them
An important component of managing anger is to feel your feelings. You also might have to remind yourself that just because you have a feeling about something does not mean you have to react to it. You can feel feelings and defer your reaction until you are in a better position to do something about it and have a plan (see below).

Developing your plan of action

You may establish a plan of action to deal with your anger in a healthy way. First, choose one or two triggers that are interfering with being a part of a healthy workplace or home, and then develop an action plan for them.

Trigger and Behavior

Yelling at my kids when they leave wet towels on the bed or floor.

Action Plan

· Cool off before I speak to anyone about towels.
· Picture myself as calm and peaceful.
· Work toward accepting my feelings of frustration.
· Resolve underlying issues by implementing consistent consequences for family members who do not follow rules.

Precipitating Factors

This term refers to the fact that if you are already frustrated about one thing, a trigger that goes off could bring you to anger much faster than usual.

Are you ever distracted by precipitating factors?
Do you sometimes drive to a place and not know how you got there?

Distorted Thinking

Our brains are an amazing thing. Once we learn a complex task, our brain makes it automatic. Do you remember learning to ride a bike? Similar to driving a car, you somehow took all those separate tasks like steering, braking, navigating curbs and drains, combined them with keeping your balance, and eventually did not have to think about any of them as
you successfully zoomed around your neighborhood. They became automatic.

Much of our thinking is also automatic. Our experiences growing up and the things that we do shape our interpretations of the world around us. Bicycle riding on the sidewalk is safer than riding along a busy street when you are six years old. As we shape our lives and grow, however, we also take on faulty thinking patterns, but, because they become automatic, we may not even be aware of them. One reasonable result of this is that all of us tend to use faulty reasoning from time to time. When we use a
faulty pattern, we are likely to misinterpret events and distort them.
Distorted thinking is defined as a reasoning process that distorts reality.
Perhaps not surprisingly, distorted thinking is also a common source of
unhealthy anger. When we learn to reduce the amount of distorted thinking that we use, we can also reduce our experiences with inappropriate or unhealthy anger.

You can identify distorted thinking by noting specific words or phrases present in your thoughts or speech, particularly those conversations that we have with ourselves (self-talk). There are many forms of distorted thinking; a few of the more popular ones are presented here
for you.

Should/must thinking

Do you catch yourself saying things like:
· “I should have done that”
· “I must do it this way”
· “I ought to have known”?

These are examples of personal choices or preferences being transformed in an absolute way. They can also be expressed indirectly (see below).

Circular questioning

Repeatedly asking questions that are irrelevant or that you know the answer to but do not want to accept can be the result of hidden should/must thinking.

· “Why did I do that?” is the same as “I shouldn’t do that”.
· “Why can’t I be better at this?” is “I should be better at this”.
· “How could he do that?” is “He shouldn’t be doing that”.

Can’t thinking

This kind of thinking can lead us to sabotage ourselves.

“I can’t lead this meeting” could really mean “I don’t want to lead this meeting”
“I can’t control myself” could mean “I don’t want to control myself”

Black and white thinking
This is a tendency to express things as “all or nothing” events or qualities. You will recognize the use of terms like “right”, “wrong”, “good”, or “bad”.

A child in a department store spots a desired item, and asks politely if his mother will buy it for him. The harried mother replies “No, you have been bad all day. You get nothing.”

Overgeneralization

This is the application of a single negative event into a pattern of never ending defeat or misfortune. This is characterized by words like “never”, “always” and “every”.

The child in the previous example could respod with: “You never give me what I want. My brother always gets everything and I get nothing,” and have mastered overgeneralization.

The mother catches what she was thinking in terms of black and white, and then shakes her head and thinks to herself “I always screw up as a parent. That was a dumb thing to say. I am never going to be a good parent.” This is an example of the mother over generalizing as well as the child does.

Labels

We tend to resort to simplistic and usually negative labels to define ourselves and our behavior. These labels actually
exaggerate our shortcoming or mistakes. “I am such a dummy/jerk/loser.”

Magnification

Magnification includes catastrophising, commonly referred to as making mountains out of mole hills. We can exaggerate a personal flaw, a small negative experience, or the abilities of someone else. A bad hair day becomes “I am so ugly.” A short wait at the grocery store becomes
“that place is always insanely busy and I waited forever in line.”

Minimizing

This is when we discount our personal strengths and abilities or reduce the impact of mistakes and imperfections of others. If someone accidentally dumps red wine all over your new shirt and you say “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” despite how upset you feel about the expense of your ruined shirt, then you are minimizing the situation.

Personalization

This is a result of assuming responsibility for a negative event, even though you have no basis to do so.

“I should have done something about that”
(even if you had no control over what happened. A classic contemporary example of this would be related to email messages. When you receive a message that says “forward this message to all of your friends or you will have bad luck for 3 years”, you ignore the message until
one day, walking down the street you trip over nothing and sprain your ankle.The message that you ignored starts poking at your memory. "If I had just forwarded the message, this would not have happened to me" is an example of personalization.

You probably know in your rational mind that not forwarding the message did not lead to your fall. But sometimes our thoughts – especially the self defeating ones – are strongly rooted in our psyche.

Challenge

The next time that you receive an email message from someone that has a closing line like the one above, or that says if you receive this message back from 2 people you are a loser, from 5 people you are an OK friend, from 10 people you are a good friend, etc., your challenge is to
remove the threat from the end of the message before you forward it.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:48 am

A Model for Confrontation

There are times that we must assert ourselves and respond to a situation in an appropriate manner. Having a model will help you to recall a helpful process, as well as give you the chance to practice the technique before you need it. This is a five step model that, in addition to providing you with a script to assertively manage your anger, can actually diffuse an argument or difficult situation.

In this course, we have spoken about looking forward, and that’s what the model does.

Confrontation in 5 Steps

1. Describe a positive future
2. Outline the specific problem
3. State why this is a problem
4. Offer a positive solution
5. End by recapping the positive future

Step 1 – Describe a positive future, not the negative situation that is taking place right now. For example, you might say, “Dave I’d like for us to have a better working relationship and to feel more comfortable working together.”

Step 2 – Draw on the specific problem. In this example, a 22-year old woman has been working in a warehouse and is scheduling warehouse staff that are older than she is. She said, “Dave you called me ‘babe’ again this morning, and yesterday you referred to me as ‘sweetie’. When I was giving the safety demonstration this morning, you rolled your eyes and poked Rob in the side with your elbow.”

Step 3 – State why this is a problem, and do a favor to the person you are speaking to and assume that they do not know that what they’re doing is inappropriate. This is where you state exactly why there is a problem: “When you call me those names, roll your eyes and make light of
what is going on I feel disrespected and insulted.”

Step 4 – Offer a solution. Expand on what you are saying by adding: “When you are speaking with me, I would like you to use more respectful language and tone. When I am speaking to you alone or in a group and you do not like my ideas, then I would like you to tell me in a respectful way so that I can give my full attention to your objections.”

Step 5 - End by recapping the positive future. “If you can do this, then I think we will be able to work better together and I will be in a better position to hear what your ideas are and support you in your work.”

Note for sticky situations: If you work in a place where this kind of behavior is normal rather than the exception or you are having repeated problems with one staff member, these conversations and meetings are ideal to keep as a part of your documentation process. Prepare a summary of the conversation that you have had, have the other individual sign
to say that he has received a copy (not that he necessarily agrees with you, just to acknowledge that he received his own copy), and then hang on to it in case the individual is spoken to again. This level of documentation will support you in the event that you need to speak with your superiors about the objectionable behavior.

If you can – this is a very helpful list for couples, work teams and families – set up an argument rule list. Everyone agrees to follow the rules so that a situation can be talked through and no one gets hurt. This list is all about having a fair fight.

1. We will not have physical contact.
2. We will not name call.
3. We will not shout (unless both parties agree to it-some people prefer volume)
4. We will not interrupt one another
5. We will not walk away unless one of us feels unsafe.
6. We will take a full deep breath before expressing our anger.
7. We will not answer the phone or door
8. Everyone will do their best to keep the argument in the present, and not bring in anger from the past.

Number eight is very important. People tend to bring up their past hurts and injustices in any argument, which does nothing to resolve the anger of the present. Keep your discussion in the present, on the present issue and leave the past out of it. Lots of people carry around unexpressed anger from the past, and bringing it into this discussion can derail it entirely. Have specific release sessions (with the assistance of a therapist if required) to address those past hurts.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Relaxation and Coping Techniques Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:05 pm

Relaxation Techniques

Releasing anger in the workplace can be related to what is commonly referred to as “stress management”. Stress is a great incubator for anger, which, we have learned, can come out inappropriately if we do not express it constructively. The things that we know reduce stress, like exercise, good sleep, ample nutrition and building strong relationships all reduce stress and your susceptibility for anger.

These days we hear “eat healthy” a lot, which can sometimes reduce our sensitivity to what it really means. When you are dealing with stress and anger reduction, it really does pay to eat and snack right. Sometimes when we are feeling depressed, we head for snacks loaded in sugar and carbohydrate (which is more sugar). Sugar can give us a short pick me
up, but the long term effects, do nothing for our health.

Physiologically, things that constrict our blood vessels (sugar, caffeine, salt, nicotine) reduce blood flow, which reduces oxygen circulation and all lead to a decreased ability to handle stress. Healthy foods, in contrast, lead to increased blood flow (but not blood pressure), increased circulation and absorption of oxygen, and improved cognition. Eating right also improves our ability to exercise, and, it should be said, enjoy things like sex.

If you are feeling a little contrary right now, you may think that having a cigarette helps you relax. Physiologically though, this is absolutely not the case. The nicotine constricts your blood vessels, so what you are actually doing is becoming slightly numb and cannot measure how tense you actually are.

If you feel as though you need some help from a nutrition or activity aspect, consult a nutritionist or exercise therapist. The information is available in our environment; sometimes we just need permission and some way to go and get it.

A helpful relaxation technique is meditation. This word can frighten people a little, but hold on because this will likely be a little different than what you have heard about before.

Meditation has long been used as a technique to manage anger. In an anger management context, some people who are trying to deal with their anger solely through mediation and prayer can spend several hours a day working at it. It reality, most of us do not have that luxury of time. In addition, some of those people are not actually releasing their anger;
they are quashing it.

Remember earlier we learned about patterns for managing anger having a lot to do with what we learned growing up. If you learned never to tell people how you felt, what angered, disappointed or even made you happy, and you were never able to release those feelings in a healthy way, you most likely still carry them. It’s like slowly filling a tire with air. A car tire has a tremendous capacity for air. You can add air, drive on it, add some more aid, and drive on it some more. But eventually you can add so
much air, that the tire will explode. Just like you.

If you use meditation or prayer as a way to resolve anger, there are a couple of important features that you must include:

1. Anger is an emotion. You must feel it in order to release it.
2. You cannot give your anger to anyone else in the hope that you will no longer be affected by it.

Many people, this writer included, feel that there is a higher power than us in the universe. Whatever you choose to call that higher power, it is not any better than we are at dealing with the emotions that charge up our bodies. I can not “give up” my feelings so that they are dealt with by a higher power. Spiritual practices are meant to enhance our connection to God, or whichever term you prefer for that higher power, not to relieve you of responsibilities or to remove anger from your body. When you plan to “give it up” to a higher power, you must be very aware and not actually
be pushing the emotion – all that anger – down in to your body. The idea is to feel and release the anger, not stuff it down and numb it over.

Numbing it over is what we do with addiction. Addiction is a way for us to escape from painful feelings. We can have a number of addictions – to booze, drugs, cigarettes, food, work, sex, sleep, caffeine – to prevent us from feeling our own emotions. Research suggests that addiction to nicotine and coffee are a way that many people come with undiagnosed depression. They use their addiction to medicate themselves and ward off their
feelings. Addiction is beyond the scope of this course, but there are many places where you can find professional support to deal with addictions. The purpose of this section is to highlight the fact that addictions deaden our experience of all emotions, including the ones that we want.

Once you have found a healthy way to release your anger, and are ready to move on to some other activity, taking a few moments out of your day to relax will help you to re-center yourself. Avoid grabbing a cup of coffee, and choose water instead. Take a ten minute walk outside to clear your head, and if none of that is possible, find a quiet corner somewhere to do some deep breathing exercises. All of those activities will help your body quiet itself, and reduce the physical effects of the anger that you expressed. In the event that you lost your temper and were not able to
express your anger in a healthy way, these techniques will help you for all of the same reasons. Your body does store anger, so knowing how to release it is an important way of stopping the fury from rampaging your body. Until that emotional charge is out of your body, you can reawaken it very quickly.

Coping Thoughts

In the midst of an angry confrontation-whether started by you or someone else-it may not be safe to express your own anger. In those cases, it may be necessary to cope with the anger, and then find a safe way to express your anger later.

In the workplace, losing your temper can lead to some dire consequences, like losing your job. Having a method of coping with those thoughts and dealing with an emergency situation or just maintaining an outward veneer of control can get you through the situation.

“I have to respond to this later, but right now I must keep organized and get through this crisis.”

“I cannot talk to Ed about his behavior with all of these manager’s around, so I will come in early tomorrow morning and speak with him then.”

We can also using coping mechanisms to deal with anger that is being focused on us, like when a customer explodes at a sales clerk and you are trapped. "This person is angry at this situation and needs to express it right now. I will not take his anger personally.”

“I feel very angry about this, but I cannot confront Ed without blowing my stack. I will think about this and plan a constructive reply.”

Anger will seep out slowly or burst explosively unless we actually let it out intentionally. While we need to release anger physically it does not have to be violent or loud. A release can be as simple as breathing deeply or making ugly faces or sharing your outrage with a friend. The important thing is that no one is hurt, threatened or frightened by your release.

Note that this does not mean that at anytime is it suitable to act out angry behavior on another person. This may happen in a daydream, in our sleep or when not paying attention. We may even be aware of it when we wake up. Usually, except for acknowledging that “I am angry,” it is best to get away on our own to process and release anger. If other people are around and hear us releasing while screaming into a pillow, a sink full of water or working through a processing series, it would be helpful to explain the purpose of your actions to them. When you are finished, it may be very helpful to them to mention that “I’m feeling much less angry now,” as long as that is the truth.

If you are working though some anger, whatever the process that you prefer, it’s best not to intrude on someone else’s space. If possible, move off to a closed room, where you can work through a release without impacting anyone else. Feel it, say what you need to say about it softly so that others do not hear. You can patiently and effectively release anger in this way.

Be wary of “venting” your anger to someone else. You might feel relieved after “dumping” on your best friend. However, that is actually an aggressive behavior. This kind of dumping will relieve some of your angry tension as a short term solution, but in fact you are acting the anger out on that other person. That is not relief, nor is it processing in a way that releases your body of tension. It does not relieve you of the underlying tension that can be regenerated over and over; you need awareness for that. The more that we blindly act out anger, the more that we add fuel our
conditioned patters of anger.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Final Thoughts Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:08 pm

Why We Avoid Healthy Release

Here are the most common reasons that people choose not to release their anger:

1. They don’t know how to release their anger safely
2. They get embarrassed thinking about screaming or yelling and being judged by a possible bystander
3. They are afraid. They have learned that anger is equal to pain, and
that if they express anger they will hurt someone or themselves.
Emotional release work can be frightening because the thought of
working hard to get anger out feels like we are giving up control.
However, emotional release work is done in safe and appropriate
circumstances which means that you remain in control at all times.

Using Humor

In the heat of an argument or the middle of a confrontation, it can be
hard to step back and apply humor to a situation. But lighten up! It's
good for you! Have you ever noticed how many comedy routines play back
stories about misfortune, anger and misery in a way that makes us
laugh? When we use humor as a way to manage – and release – anger, we
can diminish its effects on ourselves. We are not talking about sarcasm
or angry jabs disguised as a joke. Simply the every day things, the
things that end up part of a comedy routine or a story shared among
friends, when retrospect gives us the power of perspective and the
humor comes to the forefront.

Watching a comedy routine, a funny movie or visiting a comedy club and laughing hard are a great way to release anger. If you apply mindfulness to laughter – purposely laughing heartily to release tension stored in our body and mind, is a very effective way to relieve our bodies of anger. Good comedians have a gift when it comes to translating the human
condition into something funny. Have you ever noticed how often the things we laugh about are the things that also make us angry?

When using humor, I am not referring to making an angry comment followed by “just kidding” or saying “it’s OK”. I’m talking about things which really are
funny; the deep in the gut laughter that comes with the ability to
stand back and see the humor in something. Because let’s face it,
sometimes the things that we do, or the things that we see, are just
funny.

One way to diffuse and angry exchange between an adult
and child, and two adults when it is appropriate, is to intentionally
make the other person laugh. A child having a tantrum about not getting
what they want can often be distracted by laughter ("look how red
mommy's face is because I got angry - oh my!"); once they start
laughing, they release the anger from their bodies and feel much better
afterward. A troubled teen can also be stopped in the middle of a rant
if the humor of a situation is pointed out to them (provided the humor
comes from something outside the argument and is not any part of a
personal attack toward them).

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that you actually do for yourself, not to make someone else feel better. Although others may seek your forgiveness before you are ready to give it, forgiveness is a step that you take only for
yourself, and it can take great courage to take that step. If you hear
someone say that they have forgiven someone, but they will never forget
what happened, chances are that they have not forgiven the other
person, and the fact that they say they will not forget the incident
means that they still harbour resentment about it.

Forgiveness is about you, as an individual, releasing anger and tension from your body that has accumulated as a result of an insult or injury.
Forgiveness is a journey that you move through in order to be accepting
of a situation in order to move beyond it in a healthy manner.

Forgiveness does not mean that you “give in” nor does it mean that you condone someone else’s actions. In fact, forgiveness is not:
· Letting someone off the hook,
· Denying or ignoring what has happened, or your hurt feelings
· Condoning, justifying or making excuses for bad behaviour
· Condemning the offender
· Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiveness can be given, but trust must be
earned.

True forgiveness can only be granted by a victim. Forgiveness is a process,
and requires in-depth understanding of yourself as well as the individual you
are considering forgiving. It can take a long time before you are ready to
sincerely
forgive someone for wronging you. Authentic forgiveness is an energy
consuming and sometimes difficult task to accomplish.

Forgiveness starts with an acknowledgement of your feelings of hurt, anger and even hatred. You must analyze the event, and determine exactly what you see as injustice. You also have to honestly assess your role in what took place, if there was one. What roles did others play? How did they
behave? Is there a benefit for you in understanding their point of
view about what took place?

One important note here has to do with the path you take to review what
happened. If you ask “how” it happened, you will determine what took
place. Asking “why” it happened is a different question altogether, and
one which can lead to blame and a journey down a dark hole of
frustration and even despair when the answers to “why” do not seem
sufficient. Avoid the “why” and be comfortable with understanding “how”.

The next step is for you to decide to forgive them. This means that you put
aside any claim for revenge, no matter how subtle or justified it might
be. Until you are in a place where you can let go of any thought or
intention about revenge, you are not ready to forgive. You might need
more time to heal, more information, or you might want to consider the
offender’s position from a different point of view.

In order to forgive fully, you must be prepared to manage your own pain rather than pass it on. This means that you are ready to endure, overlook, put up with, absorb or let go of your pain.

Once you have completed the pre-work in forgiveness, the next step is to tell the wrongdoer that you forgive them. You will have to do so fully and
unconditionally, without any need of an apology, remorse or acknowledgement.

If you find that you still hate, you have not forgiven. If you find yourself saying, “I forgive them but I will never forget,” that statement is often full of residual resentment, and so you may not have forgiven. Explore your intentions for forgiving, and remember that it is just for you, not anyone else.

A note about moving beyond anger. Someone – perhaps you – might read this and say, “Yeah, looks great on paper, but will never work in my workplace where people are ready to kill each other.” You may
be right. There is a place where anger and hostility move beyond what we are capable of managing, and move into the realm of violence. If you feel that your safety is at stake, if you are ever being threatened with violence with or without weapons, remove yourself immediately. Police and social
service agencies are ready to intervene in serious situations. If you
belong to a unionized workplace, you may also elicit cooperation
between the union and employer representatives as a way to resolve
these issues. Do not feel that because you have done some reading about
anger that you will be able to handle every situation. You will have
the tools for many circumstances, but we have to acknowledge how
serious things can be in some instances, and respect that.
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Admin Joined : 11 Jan 2008 Posts : 1784 Location : UK

Please add your replies on the "Making the Most of Anger replies" thread:

http://publishedauthors.org/chatter-box-f3/making-the-most-of-anger-replies-t331.htm
_________________
Shelagh Watkins
http://shelaghwatkins.co.uk/

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Wed May 14, 2008 4:18 pm

This is very interesting and helpful.

It reminds me of a job I used to have (I've had a lot of jobs) in customer service.

I worked the cargo trace department for a major airline. This is where we took phone calls from customers whose freight we had "misdirected" (yeah, lost).

So, of course 90% of the calls were from angry people.

Those angry calls didn't bother me. I knew they were not angry at ME. They were angry at the airline for losing their freight and messing up their plans ... and often costing them losses if the freight was related to business.

Many phone agents had the tendency to take the anger personally.

My simple technique was to validate and acknowledge their anger (heck! they had every right to be upset) and then let them know I was the person who was going to help them. I let them know that I was the person who was going to do all she could to locate their freight and get to its destination.

Once they knew I was 'on their side' the anger was gone.
_________________

~ JoElle Martín ~

http://www.dreamersforest.com

Admin Joined : 11 Jan 2008 Posts : 1784 Location : UK

Brilliant!

_________________
Shelagh Watkins
http://shelaghwatkins.co.uk/

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Wed May 14, 2008 4:58 pm

I echo Shelgah's 'Brilliant.'
_________________
"To Beirut and Back"
http://www.freewebs.com/abemarch

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Thu May 15, 2008 12:24 am

Great technique JoElle. That's how customer service folk develop resilience Cool

Thanks for reading and your input!
_________________
Pam Robertson

http://andthebandplayedonmylawn.blogspot.com

Subject: Re: Making the Most of Anger Thu May 15, 2008 12:34 am

Works every time, JoElle!

One other thing on anger. If we don't react to other's anger, and only act upon it in a positive way a lot of problems can be avoided. Also, not taking it personally, as JoElle stated, is the first step toward not reacting.
sunny

_________________
http://www.weavingdreamspublishing.com
http://suesunshine.blogspot.com/
http://suesunshine.wordpress.com/